by Lisa B. Marshall

If you are a regular reader, you know that I lost my late husband, John, several years ago. More recently I lost my mother. I know from experience that death makes people uncomfortable. It makes us feel tongue-tied. It makes us feel helpless. Many people have no idea what to say, what to do, or how to help. So instead, they retreat. Sometimes people seem embarrassed that they retreated, so they disappear. Although understandable, that doesn't help.

What to Say When Someone Dies

Of course, there's no one right way to talk to someone that is going through the grieving process. However, in today’s article I can offer you a thing or two that just might help. 

Acknowledge the Loss

Every person who experiences a loss needs to know that their loved one matters. (Even if you didn't know the person who died.). If it's possible for you to attend services, then do it. It is comforting for mourners to see a roomful of people gathered to acknowledge their loss.

At times, the depths of grief can be unimaginable. It helps to show your support in many ways. I found simple, practical acts very helpful and supportive. When John died, one of my neighbors cut my lawn a few times; another neighbor brought in my trash cans; my sister did my laundry; friends brought me food and work colleagues completed many of my regular tasks.

Offer Your Sincere Support

It's OK to offer generic support. "Let me know if there anything I can do." Or “I’m sorry they are going through this difficult time”. “Tell how to how I can help.”

But perhaps a better idea is to offer specific support. For a friend you might say, "If you'd like I can bring over a few pre-cooked meals or I could run a few loads of laundry for you?" For a work colleague, you might say, "Would you like for me to run the weekly reports?" "Can I bring you some lunch?"   Don’t push; just offer your support in the best way you can.

Another good way to acknowledge the loss is to send cards with handwritten notes, emails, articles and books on grief, or even support group meeting notices. And don't just send one. Send a few things over time to show the person that you recognize the significance of their loss, that you haven't forgotten about it, and that you care. I received a few cards a year or so after losing my husband, and that meant so much to me.

Share Your Happy Memories

I noticed that once a month or two has passed, many people don't want to "bring it up." They fear they might make things worse. But the reality is the death of a loved one is never far from your mind anyway. In fact, if you have positive memories of the person it can help to share those memories. I learned so many things about my mother and John that I never knew: things that made me proud, things that made me smile, and things that helped me feel closer to them even though they were gone. Don't be afraid to share your memories. These emotional gifts are precious.

Rest assured, it's ok to say, "I don't know what to say."

In the face of death, or even sometimes sickness, many people, including myself, feel at a loss for words. But rest assured, It's OK to say, "I don't know what to say," or "I can't imagine what you are going through," or "It must be horrible." By the way, it's not a good idea to say you know how it feels. Every situation is different and every person experiences grief differently. Comparing your experience to theirs will likely just make the person feel more alone.

Say Nothing At All

Sometimes the best thing to say is nothing at all. You don’t have to give advice or think of clever things to say to make them smile. You don’t have to discuss feelings. You don’t need to have the answers. Sometimes, all you need to do is be there--to listen.

Sometimes you will only hear silence. That’s OK. Invite them to lunch, dinner, or your home. Sit quietly together. Call them every two weeks to leave a message that says you are thinking about them. Even if they never return your call, they will know you care. Let them grieve in their own way. Be there; don’t retreat. Don’t disappear.

Acknowledge the loss. Let them know you care. Let them know the loss did not go unnoticed. Let them know you want to help by offering specific practical help. Share you happy memories, or perhaps say nothing at all. Help them any way you can. In the spirit of, El Dia de los Muertos, celebrate and honor those who have died.

This is Lisa B. Marshall, passionate about communication, your success is my business.

Announcements

My new audiobook is called, The Public Speaker’s Guide To Ace Your Interview: 6 Steps To Get The Job You Want. You can check the some rave reviews at www.interviewextras.com. If you know someone that is interviewing, buy this audiobook for them, The Public Speakers Guide to Ace Your Interview on iTunes and Audible.com for $5.95. Think about it, for the price of a cup of coffee and a bagel, you’re helping your friend get a job! Now that’s a great gift, right?

Next, I want to publically say thank you to all the people who supported my possible nomination for an award in the Podcast Awards Business category. I received lots of encouraging emails. Thanks!

As I write this, the nominees haven’t yet been announced. However, weather this show gets nominated or not, I’d like to encourage you to show your support for your favorite podcasts by voting everyday during the voting period at www.podcastawards.com.

Connecting

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If you have a question, leave a voicemail at 206-350-7970. Or send email to publicspeaker@quickanddirtytips.com. For information about keynote speeches or workshops, visit lisabmarshall.com.